This Is How It Is

“Until I met Hayden, I didn’t fully understand that kids understand who they are at such a young age.”

I have had this shared with me a number of times.  I have heard from many people that they hadn’t always fully understood the difference between gender and sex.  They thought if a person was trans or gender nonconforming,they couldn’t understand that until they were older.  They thought parents pushed these “girl” or “boy” ideals on young children.  They thought parents pushed this on children because they wished their kid was the opposite gender.

Many people don’t realize, until they get to know a child like Hayden, that it is not something parents push on their child.  It is just who that child is.

I was watching old videos of my children the other day and I was surprised at how many signs I had missed when Hayden was younger.  Hayden knew all along who he was.  He knew what he liked and what he didn’t like.  He knew what he was comfortable in and what he wasn’t comfortable in.

Looking back now, I can’t believe how naive I was.  But that’s hindsight for you.  Hayden always gravitated to shiny, sparkly, pretty things.  Hayden always picked up dolls and hugged them close.  He gently tucked in his stuffed animals.  At a friend’s house (who had all daughters) he put on every single dress up outfit and admired himself in the mirror.  He was always wearing my shoes (not dad’s because they weren’t as pretty) and always asking me to put on a dress instead of pants.  

Now, my other two boys like to play dress up and dolls, but not the way Hayden does.  They may put on a dress and shoes for a few minutes but they quickly tear it off and move on to something else.  They might play dolls or with the Barbie Dreamhouse, but not for as long as Hayden does.  They all want to bring a Barbie swimming in the tub, but Hayden is the only one who wants to do the Barbie’s hair afterwards.    

This is how Hayden has been since the beginning.  Hayden was telling us all along who he was.  But we didn’t understand at first.  We missed the first signs because we weren’t looking for it.  It wasn’t until Hayden was able to vocalize what he was feeling, to tell us who he was, that we fully understood.  

We have been told a number of times that we should not push this stuff on Hayden.  We shouldn’t allow him to wear dresses.  We shouldn’t encourage him.  We have been told he’s a middle child, so he’s just looking for attention.  At some point we need to stop and help Hayden realize he’s a boy.

But if you watch these old videos from when Hayden was 1, 2, and even 3, you can see we never pushed anything on him.  Hayden has always been Hayden.  We have never forced anything on him.  For his first 2 ½ years, he was our youngest child.  He wasn’t the middle.  And before his youngest brother was even thought of, Hayden was telling us who he was.  

Hayden has always been a happy kid.  But I never realized he could be even happier.  Until a year ago, we thought we were doing what was best.  Hayden could wear dresses, only at home.  He was telling us something every morning when we fought over school clothes.  He was telling us every time he played that dinosaurs and trucks weren’t his thing.  He has always been telling us.  And until we truly listened, we never knew how happy he could be.

That smile that spreads from ear to ear tells it all.  The joy of putting on a dress and hair ribbons shows us what makes him happy.  And if Hayden starts telling us his pronouns are wrong, we will listen.  Because only Hayden can tell us who he is.  Only Hayden is who I am going to listen to.  Because if those early videos of Hayden show me anything at all, it’s that Hayden has always known himself.  He’s always just been Hayden.