Wishing On A Star

“How come when I wished on a star it didn’t come true?”

One day, Hayden and I were going on a walk.  There was never a moment of silence on our walk.  Hayden loves to talk, especially when he is one one one with someone.  He talked about everything from Elsa, to dresses, to dolls he wanted, his upcoming birthday (still almost three months away at the time of this walk), school and the time he wished on a star.  He asked it very casually, in the midst of another conversation.

“Mommy, how come when I wished on a star it didn’t come true?”  

My response of course was, “What was your wish?” and “When did you see a shooting star?” As far as I knew, we hadn’t seen any shooting stars together.  We’d seen plenty of fire flies and even a few satellites and airplanes in the sky.  But no shooting stars.

It turns out a friend had told him about shooting stars at our 4th of July bonfire.  We have a few friends that we have been close with during this pandemic.  I guess you could say we have a COVID Pod.  We plan outdoor activities not only for socialization for our children, but for sanity for the parents.  While the children were playing with sparklers and roasting marshmallows, one of Hayden’s friends had told him about making a wish on a shooting star.  They believed they saw a shooting star (they could have, but I also think it could have been fireworks in the distance or a satellite), and so they each made a wish.  It had been close to a month, and his wish still hadn’t come true.  

Once I figured out the background of the wish making, I then was ready to tackle how to answer his wish question.  I had a feeling what his wish was going to be.  He’d given me many clues over the past few years. 

“I wished I was a girl.  How come it didn’t come true?”

Even though I had a feeling about what the wish would be, I wasn’t actually sure how to respond.  The idea of wishing on a star is so magical for children.  I didn’t want that magic to fade away for him.  But, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure about my feelings for this wish either.  As his mother, my job is to love him for who he is.  And I do love him full heartedly.  But I also want to protect him from the evils of the world.  From a society who is not always so accepting of boys like him.  

I had also been reading The Gender Creative Child by Diane Ehrensaft.  This is a fantastic read for anyone who is a parent, an educator, or has a family member who is a gender non-conforming child.  In this book Dr. Ehrensaft talks about the difference between “I am” and “I wish”.  An “I am” child is telling you that the gender between their legs is not what they feel in their brain.  They may have been called a boy because of their genitalia, but that is not what they identify as.  Their brain is telling them they are a girl.  But, the “I wish” child may not always mean “I am.”  They could be still figuring out who they really are.  They might think it would be easier to be the other gender because they love all things to do with the other gender.  They could really be the “I am” child, but are saying “I wish” to gauge the reactions of the people they love.  Gender is also fluid.  Society often thinks gender falls into two categories (boy and girl), and that might be true for some people.  But, for a lot of other people, gender is much more complicated than boy or girl.  And children who say “I wish” may be fluid between the two gender boxes we try to fit everything in.  Dr. Ehrensaft can explain gender far better than I ever could.  But, her explanation of gender has helped break me of the gender boxes I am so familiar with.  If most people don’t fit into two binary boxes for gender, then does it really matter if my son doesn’t?  Should his wish really even bother me at all?

I realized, on this walk, that I was still trying to fit him into one box or the other.  But Hayden is just Hayden.  He doesn’t fit into one of those boxes.  He may some day tell me, “I am” instead of “I wish”.  And I hope that if or when that moment comes, I will be more prepared than I was on this walk.  Because my response to him on this walk was, “Some wishes we have to wait for until we are older.  That doesn’t mean they won’t come true.  But some wishes are kid wishes that happen when you’re a kid and some wishes are meant to happen when you’re a grown up.  And some of the wishes we have are kid wishes but they’re not supposed to happen at this moment.  They may happen when you’re still a kid, but sometimes it takes time to make our wishes come true.”

I want Hayden to be able to find his way.  I don’t want what I say to deter him from being himself.  I have been following his lead since the day he used his blanket as long hair.  I plan to continue to follow his lead.  And I hope that Hayden knows how much I accept him and how much I love him.  I hope my response to his shooting star wish was the best response for that moment.  And the next time Hayden sees a shooting star, I hope the magic of the wish doesn’t fade away. “I wish I may, I wish I might. Have this wish, I wish tonight.”