Life With A Boy In A Dress: The Beginning

“Mommy, do I have to wear boy clothes?”

This is from my middle son, Hayden.  He loves absolutely anything he deems beautiful.  I often find him wearing a tiara, bracelets, and princess dresses.  Hayden accessorizes with shoes and scarves.  Sometimes even a boa.  For almost three years now, he seems to feel the happiest and most comfortable in dresses.  I don’t think he has worn “boy” clothes since March 13th.  Once he found out he would be homeschooled for the duration of the school year, he decided he wouldn’t touch his “boy” clothes.  Hayden has always been different from his older brother.  The two are only 17 months apart and they play together all day long, but they couldn’t be more opposite.  

The differences started out during pregnancy.  I remember going to urgent care one snowy January day because my husband, firstborn and I were all feeling awful.  Runny noses, sore throats, aches, and pains.  The first question asked of me was, “Could you be pregnant?” We had only just started trying, but I said it was a possibility.  They handed me a cup and sent me to the bathroom.  A few minutes later, a nurse came in and said simply, “You’re pregnant. You’re not sick, just pregnant.”  She looked over at my husband and 7-month old son and then left the room.  No congratulations. No excitement.  I was left with the feeling that I had done something wrong.  We went home, my husband with a prescription, my son with a recommendation of a humidifier and fluids, and me with the announcement that I was pregnant with baby number two.  I knew there was more to my not feeling well than just the pregnancy.  I ended up in urgent care the next day again to find out I actually had an ear infection on top of the pregnancy.  A different nurse this time gave me a heartfelt congratulations and I left with a prescription for my ears.  

My second pregnancy was planned.  And we were very excited to find out we were expecting our second child, but the pregnancy wasn’t off to a great start.  The excitement we had with our first wasn’t there.  We were all sick and the way we were treated by the first nurse made me feel like maybe we shouldn’t have tried so soon.  I was sick the entire first trimester.  I got everything from an ear infection, strep throat, the common cold, and pink eye; plus morning sickness that I didn’t have during the first pregnancy.  I was sick at all different times of the day, had a constant stomach ache, and just wanted to sleep.  My immediate response to such a drastic change from my first pregnancy was that this must be a girl. I had heard the old wives’ tale from many that you are sicker when pregnant with a girl.  

Once I was halfway through the second trimester, the morning sickness finally went away and I began to actually enjoy my pregnancy.  I was excited that my son would be a big brother.  We were going to find out what we were having on May 4th, 2015.  I was confident we were going to be the parents of a boy and a girl.  Minutes before the ultrasound, I turned to my husband and said, “It’s a boy.”  The baby didn’t cooperate in the ultrasound and I ended up having to get up, walk around and try again.  The second time the ultrasound showed us that we were definitely having a second son.  I had mixed emotions.  I wanted a little girl, but I also was glad to have another son.  I think I was more surprised than anything.  This pregnancy was nothing like my first pregnancy; all signs had pointed to a girl.  

Since this pregnancy was nothing like my first, this labor was nothing like my first either.  Honestly, I don’t even remember much about my oldest’s labor other than that it was back labor and my water broke before contractions started.  This baby’s contractions were on and off all day but never became regular.  I would have painful contractions for an hour and then they would go away.  They almost didn’t admit me to the hospital when we arrived around 5:30 on the evening of October 6th.  I was only 2 centimeters dilated and my contractions were sporadic.  But when I did have contractions, they were long and painful.  They finally admitted me around 9 that evening and gave me some medicine to help me sleep through contractions.  They checked me again around midnight and I was still barely 5 centimeters with continued sporadic contractions.  An hour later, I was around 8 centimeters, and still had contractions all over the place.  They broke my water, hoping this would help.  It brought me to 9, but contractions were slowing.  I had a natural birth with my oldest and felt confident I could do it again.  I ended up getting an IV for fluids, had oxygen, and was ready to push, yet I was not at 10 centimeters.  I was painfully stretched the last centimeter.  My son finally arrived at 2:03 am on October 7th to two very exhausted parents.  (Dad almost passed out from lack of food and drink).  I was so glad he was here, but wished his labor wasn’t as painful as it had been.  If we had waited for my contractions to be 2 minutes apart like they tell you at the midwife’s office, we would have probably given birth at home.  This one was giving me a run for my money from the start. 

As Hayden grew, we thought we had another boy’s boy.  He loved trying to keep up with his big brother.  He played cars and trucks and followed his big brother around like a puppy.  But we noticed he was more gentle than his brother.  He often hugged his stuffed animals close and at daycare, he played with the dolls.  When he was two, he started putting his blanket on his head as long hair.  He started wanting to make dresses out of his blankets and put on my jewelry to be pretty.  By the time he was three, my middle child received Frozen dolls for his birthday.  I have never seen my son happier than when he opened up his Elsa and Anna dolls.  At this point, we knew our middle child was a very different boy from his brother.  He loved to be in dresses and his Dad and I were struggling with what to do.  We both grew up in a generation with boys being boys and girls being girls.  We wanted Hayden to be happy, so should we let him wear a dress?  The answer was yes, but to what extent?  Just at home? Out in public?  At daycare?  Was he going to be accepted?  Would people stare?  Would people say anything to us?  We have been continually grappling with these questions over the past few years and aren’t always sure what the correct response is.  Now that our son is starting Kindergarten in the fall, should we let Hayden be Hayden?  Or should we go with the norm in order to make things easier?   But then if we go with the norm are we making things easier for us or for Hayden?