“Watch me dance! Look at my twirl!”
Hayden has always loved music. He rocked to the music as soon as he could figure out how to make his limbs move. He often makes up his own songs and dances. He’s constantly twirling to music. I knew Hayden would love to take a dance class and mentioned my wish to one of my mom friends. She let me know that a local music hall in town also held different dance classes and she was thinking of signing her daughter up for a six week session in February. This was January. Hayden was a few months past his third birthday where friends gave him his first Frozen dolls. He just had Christmas where Santa brought him an Elsa wig. He still hadn’t ventured out in public in a dress. But he loved to dance. And he was only three. Many three-year-olds took gymnastics, so why couldn’t he take dance?
I hesitated though. He would probably be the only boy. What would the other moms think of me? What would they think of him? Would he even like it? Of course he would like it. I was just trying to find any excuse not to sign him up. Finally, a few days before the class began, I hit the online submit button on the application. He was in. We had just paid for six weeks. There was no going back now.
I knew a few moms who had signed their daughters up. Hayden would have some friends in his class. But, he was the only boy. All the girls were dressed in adorable tutus and pink ballet shoes. I put Hayden in sweat pants and he was allowed to go in bare feet. There was no mistaking, he was the only boy in dance class. I remember even saying to a few moms as I helped Hayden take off his coat, “He just loves to dance. There’s tumbling too as part of the class. I thought he’d like it.”
Excuses. Always excuses. Why did I have to make excuses for my son? This is what he loved. So what if he was the only boy. So what if other people stared at him? He didn’t notice. He just loved it. Especially when they played music from Frozen and Moana.
He came out with the biggest smile on his face and a pretty pink heart sticker on his hand. That smile told me everything I needed to know. I made the right choice for him. So, every Saturday morning for the next six weeks, we would go to dance class. I ended up signing him up for the next session, and then the final spring session. I bought him black ballet shoes. That’s what boys wore right? Even though he wanted the pink ones. I got him a pair of black leggings he could wear. I still wouldn’t allow him to wear a tutu. He looked on enviously at all the girls in beautiful tutus every Saturday morning. I felt bad, but I just wasn’t ready. It was the classic, it’s not you, it’s me scenario. Hayden would have been ecstatic in a tutu, but mom just wasn’t willing to let him.
Hayden continued with dance in the Fall. At this point, we knew how much happier he was in dresses. He was wearing dresses at home 24/7. But, I still didn’t buy him a tutu. I did get him a purple shirt to go with his Halloween costume. He wore that and his black leggings to almost every dance class. Sometimes, he’d put on an Elsa t-shirt. He had gotten to be a cat in the holiday performance. He loved being on stage! There was no spring performance for his class, but he wasn’t the only boy anymore. There was at least one more, sometimes two that came to the Saturday morning class. Every class he looked at all the beautiful tutus, but he knew better than to ask. The answer was always no. The only time he would get upset in class was when he had to take a bow and all the girls got to curtsey. He wanted to curtsey too. He continued to take his dance class in six week sessions until March 14th. That was his last Saturday class and then the world shut down.
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Now here’s my question. When dance class opens up again (hopefully this Fall), Hayden will be in the next level. Instead of being with 3-5 year olds, he’ll be with 5-7 year olds. Can you guess what color ballet shoes he wants to wear? Can you guess what kind of outfit he wants to wear? I was never really into dance, but I know from watching my sister’s recitals that there were plenty of boys who took dance. But boys’ costumes usually tended to be pretty plain compared to the girls’ costumes. He wears a dress everywhere we go (he still hasn’t decided what he wants to do about school); so do I send him in a tutu? He was so happy the day he got to wear his Rapunzel Halloween Costume to dance class. He loved how it twirled. I want him to be happy. I want him to be confident and comfortable with his choices. So why do I still have these moments of struggle and doubt?
I understand that this is a tough decision. Have you showed him videos of male ballet dancers? Perhaps if he saw their grace and beauty he would see that it isn’t the tutu that makes the ballerina beautiful. I’m planning to get my daughter one of those sheer, light ballet skirts. I think they are way more graceful.
Maybe talk to the ballet teacher? If she will expect him to wear black at the recital then it might be harder for him to go back to that after the tutu?
I don’t want to just give in to my gut reaction which is to let him wear the tutu, I’m attempting to think about it from all angles. But I can say, if he were in my daughter’s class, neither she not I would have anything bad to say about it. His joy when dancing destroys all argument.
Thank you. I will probably end up talking to her when the time comes. If it comes. It’s so hard with everything so up in the air right now. If I do send him in one, I like the idea of a sheer, light one as well.
Your blog is is wise, and your worries understandable. Perhaps the best thing is to let Hayden decide. He will struggle with all the limitations that are not based on his needs. Limitations may cause greater harm than rejections. The best thing is to talk things through with him. Clothes have no gender. Let Hayden show that to others.
Thank you for your kind words and support!! I know what he would love to do. Not it’s just the waiting game to see if there actually is a dance class in the Fall…
I grew up with dance. The males had the most beautiful, embellished, short jackets with lots of jewels sewn on. I wonder if he’d like one of those if he saw them. I’m not trying to change him. I love him so much just as he is. Sending an idea is all, if you’re not comfortable with a dance skirt.
I definitely need to show him more male dancers. He has watched some broadway shows online with me a few times and he likes the guys dancing, but he always loves the pretty girls. I’ll have to show him more recital wear and I think you’re right, he may like the jewels and sparkles of them.
I feel this so deeply. Our youngest twin boy loves dresses, has EVERY Elsa gown (and leggings/jacket combo from Frozen 2), every Disney princess doll, so many wigs (and now eye shadows), etc. He’s been wanting all the “girl” things since he was little. Generally speaking, people have been kind to him. But in February of this year, he wore his Ariel mermaid pajamas and two older GIRLS were mean to him. (I had truly expected boys to be the unkind ones.) It hurt and embarrassed him. We talked to him about it. We even talked to the girls’ parents about it. And just like you, shortly after this event, the world shut down. We’ll see what unfolds this fall. We do read lots and lots of books encouraging self-expression and kindness: Be Who You Are; Marlon Bundo; Words and Your Heart; Odd Velvet. I’m hoping these instill confidence and kindness. Sending love and positivity to your precious son.
I love how much your son loves Elsa! We are a full on Frozen house over here. So much so, that my 2 year old asked to watch Elsa every day for 2 weeks straight. I could do with a new princess for a bit. lol. Pajama day should be fun. It’s so hard when others hurt your kid! I hate to see them so upset. I will have to check out some of those books you mentioned. They sound like they are great confidence boosting books! I hope this school year (whatever it may look like) will be a bit kinder to your son!