“I’m actually a boy. But boys can wear dresses.”
I wish I had Hayden’s confidence. He walks in public wearing a dress with more confidence than a quarterback who knows he’s about to throw the winning touchdown for the Super Bowl. Hayden knows what he wants. He knows what makes him happy. And he’s not afraid to step out in public wearing what makes him happiest. It has taken me years to become comfortable with myself, my size, my appearance. I still struggle some days. Hayden just knows what he wants. I envy him. And I hope he never loses that confidence.
He’s had a few rough days in his young life. He’s been sad about what someone has said or done. But he doesn’t hold on to it for that long. I don’t think this kid is capable of holding a grudge. I, however, can remember that someone on the bus in second grade told me I was an old lady because my blonde hair was basically white. I remember being so upset and to this day I can picture the child who said it. I have never been able to forget it. Hayden just seems to brush it off. Something may have bothered him in the moment, but he moves on quickly. He may remember what bothered him when he’s having a bad day, but he doesn’t let it ruin his whole day. I wish I could do that. I have let whole days get ruined because of something someone said. I perseverate on things. I lay awake in the middle of the night, thinking about what’s bothering me. I am getting better about brushing things off and moving on, but Hayden is still better at it than me.
I don’t ever want Hayden to lose the confidence he has with being his true self. I want him to always be confident in his decisions, whether it be the outfit he is wearing or what sport he wants to play. I never want him to feel like he should be uncomfortable because his style choices don’t match everyone else’s. If he is confident in a dress, then that’s all that matters. And I hope he will always have this confidence.
One day, the boys were riding their bikes up and down our road. Hayden was happily riding his Elsa bike, wearing his Elsa sneakers with a rainbow dress that had a wonderful twirly skirt. He had a silver sparkly sweater on that matched the streamers on his bike. He was ecstatic. He had just gotten the bike a few days ago. Hayden told everyone we talked to on the phone about his new bike. He face-timed with friends to show them his new bike. He even put a doll in the back part of his bike that was shaped like a sled. This was a bike to be proud of.
That afternoon we had decided to go for a walk as a family. We walked by one of our neighbors’ homes. She is probably in her late seventies and absolutely adores the boys. She happened to be working in one of her many gardens when we walked by. Hayden yelled at her so proudly.
“Look at my new bike! It’s an Elsa bike!” She smiled and complimented him on his bike. She encourages Hayden to be himself. It has never bothered her that he chooses a dress over pants.
During this same walk, a man was walking his dog. He moved across the street to pass us safely from a distance. Hayden isn’t exactly the fastest rider and I can often walk faster than he pedals. So it was no surprise that someone walking their dog would need to pass us. He looked over at my decked out son and clearly thought he was a girl riding the bike.
“Well, that’s a pretty dress.” He said from across the street.
Hayden stopped his bike and looked over at him. “Thanks! I’m actually a boy. But boys can wear dresses!” He then started riding again. The guy stared at him looking a bit confused and then continued walking his dog, not sure what to say.
I hope Hayden never loses the confidence to say “Boys can wear dresses.” I would not have been that confident at his age. If someone had complimented me on what I was wearing, I probably would have shyly said, “Thank you” and looked at my feet. Hayden does not shy away. During that walk, he looked directly at the person and declared that “Boys can wear dresses!” I have seen him do this to strangers on multiple occasions.
However, I don’t know if Hayden has the same confidence when we are not around. This could be why the conversation about what to wear for Kindergarten made him so upset. Maybe he finds it a bit harder to stand up for himself when he is just around his peers. Maybe it’s easier to tell a stranger “boys can wear dresses” than it is to say the same thing to peers. Or maybe, he does still have the confidence, and the questions about what he wears just make him sad. Whichever reason it is, I can still see that Hayden is way more confident than I ever been. And I hope the confidence I see in him never goes away.
