“Girls are going to say, ‘boys don’t wear dresses.’ That makes me sad. I don’t want to be sad so I’ll wear boy clothes to school.”
I had planned on continuing Hayden’s story for this week, but when Hayden and I had a conversation about school, I felt I needed to move in a different direction. He is very excited about Kindergarten and wants to be able to see all his friends again. Being disrupted from Pre-K in March threw him for a loop; as it did most kids. His brother hated completing his Kindergarten year online and Hayden really missed his friends. He often asked, “When is the sickness over. I want to see my friends again.”
We still don’t know what school will look like in the Fall. Being a teacher myself, I still am not one hundred percent sure about what will be going on in my district. There are just so many unknowns right now. So many things are out of our control. But the one thing that I can control is school clothes. Even if we end up learning online in the Fall, I can still have some semblance of normalcy with purchasing school supplies and some new school clothes. The other night I asked Hayden what he wants to wear for school.
His response was, “Well I guess I have to wear boy clothes.”
I pressed him with a multitude of questions starting with, “Is that what you want?”
“Well, it’s school. So I have to wear boy clothes.” He said with a shrug.
Hayden has worn dresses since March 13th. As soon as everything shut down due to COVID-19, he tossed aside his pants and donned a dress. It’s become the norm around our house for the past four months.
I thought I was the one who was struggling with Hayden wearing dresses in public. And, as I’ve said before, that was my personal struggle, not his. I constantly worry about what other people might think. I’ve gotten much better about this, but I can still improve in this area. I have, however, begun to wonder, what clothes should I send him to school in for Kindergarten? How much should I worry about other people’s comfort level? Or should I let Hayden decide for himself?
There is still such a stigma about a boy wearing a dress. And so many questions that come up. Is he gay? Is he transgender? Is this just a phase? Why does he dress like a girl? Boys don’t wear dresses, so why is he in one? Why is he not a “typical” boy? Most of these questions are just out of pure curiosity. But some definitely have a stronger connotation. As humans, we like to categorize everything. Everyone fits into a category; a stereotype. But why do we have to? We are not all the same. And why does my four-year-old have to fit into a category? He’s still figuring himself out. He’s still figuring out where his journey will take him. I don’t worry about questions defining who he is just yet. I want to be well informed about all of the possibilities. I read blogs, articles, and other posts daily, but at this moment, I’m not concerned about the questions that define him. That time will come, I’m sure. Right now, he just wants to wear a dress. So instead, why can’t the question be, why did you choose that outfit today?
If Hayden decides to wear what he deems “boy” clothes in the Fall, so be it. That’s his choice. But, watching how happy he has been in a dress every day, instead of just putting a dress on when we get home, I knew I had to press him further. I felt there was something more going on.
He finally said he doesn’t like it when people ask him questions. It makes him sad. My usually smiling, confident boy, looked close to tears during our conversation. This is clearly a topic he has a hard time understanding, just as most adults do. As an educator and more importantly his mother, I want to help him understand the world, question the unfairness of the world but also have the confidence to achieve anything he sets his mind to. I fear that this one area in his life will always leave him feeling less confident. Home is his safe space. School should be as well, but it isn’t always.
I was surprised when he said girls ask him more than boys. But, he tends to gravitate more towards girls than boys. His favorite spot to play in the classroom was the dress up and home area. When he plays, he wants to be the mom, the princess, a girl. But girls in the play areas wanted him to play the boy. I want Hayden to feel confident with himself. Whether he chooses the “boy” clothes or the dress. Statistically, gender non-conforming children tend to struggle with bullying more than gender-conforming children. What I want for my child is that he can go to school, in whatever he wants, and not have to worry. If he chooses to play the girl, he can. If he chooses to be the dad, he can. If today, he’s a princess, that’s fine. If he wants to wear a dress to school, then so be it.
So back to the Kindergarten question; what should Hayden wear? Hearing him so conflicted, breaks my heart. Why in 2020 is this still such a tough concept to grasp? We are all unique. Not everyone fits into a specific category. Why does everyone need to have a label? Why do we continually put down those that are different? Why aren’t these conversations happening at a younger age? What can we do to change that? Right now, I’m just going to follow Hayden’s lead and encourage him to continually do what makes him happy and confident. If that means wearing a dress, then fine. If that means wearing “boy” clothes to school, then fine as well. Whatever he chooses is the right choice for him. But until then, he continues to happily put on a dress every morning.
When I was in school, I had to wear a dress. The rules stated so. ( I hated dresses and still do to this day. ) I know, it’s not the same, but I was never happier than when the system decided girls could wear slacks. I was 15 years old by then. It was all about comfort for me, nothing else, just comfort. I wonder what everyone would say if, instead of feeling like Hayden has to defend himself with an answer, he instead asked a question? “ Why are you wearing pants?”. What if he always asked questions back and it led to real conversations? Would this be a possibility for one so young?
I feel we have come such a long way as a society in encouraging girls to be themselves. It’s okay to be a tomboy, it’s okay to want to do “traditional” boy things. But we’re not there yet for boys who don’t want the traditional “boy” things. Having Hayden ask questions of others is something we can work on. He is still young, but I feel that the younger it happens, the easier it will be. My biggest worry is that as he gets older, he will be afraid to be true to himself.
In other countries, boys essentially wear dresses ie kilts. It’s sad we aren’t progressive enough to let people just be themselves regardless of what that means.
I do not envy you in this. Parenting in today’s world is hard enough. I admire what you already do for him.
I’m hoping our society is moving in a direction that will accept all. But, we need to create awareness at an early age. We need more supports and resources, not only for families but for schools as well.