What Is Gender?

“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”

I get this question from my kids all the time.  Our society is so focused on everyone fitting into two gender boxes.  You are either a boy or a girl.  A male or a female. It is ingrained in our children from a young age.  Our children are taught that everyone fits into one of the two boxes.  Long hair equals a girl and short hair equals a boy.  A dress is for a girl, pants are for a boy.  A baby girl is dressed in pink, a baby boy is dressed in blue.  This is often the first question we ask expecting parents.  “Are you going to find out if it’s a boy or girl?”  We are already instilling that there are only two genders to be before the babies even leave the womb.  

The dictionary defines gender as either of the two sexes (male and female), especially when considered with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones. The term is also used more broadly to denote a range of identities that do not correspond to established ideas of male and female.  Another definition of gender says Gender is the range of characteristics pertaining to, and differentiating between, masculinity and femininity. Depending on the context, these characteristics may include biological sex, sex-based social structures, or gender identity.  Gender Identity is defined as a personal conception of oneself as male or female (or rarely, both or neither). This concept is intimately related to the concept of gender role, which is defined as the outward manifestations of personality that reflect the gender identity.   And then we have gender expression which is defined as  the way in which a person expresses their gender identity, typically through their appearance, dress, and behavior. (All definitions are from dictionary.com).

As you can see, there is a lot more to gender than just male and female.  Gender Identity and Gender Expression play a huge role in our gender.  It isn’t about what parts we’re born with. Teen Talk says  gender isn’t about someone’s anatomy, it is about who they know them self to be. So if gender isn’t as simple as male and female, then why are we still trying to fit everyone into two binary boxes?

Growing up, I learned that you were either a boy or a girl.  This was determined by your anatomy.  If you thought you were something else, you were not normal.  As I got older and started to formulate my own ideas and opinions, I realized that wasn’t true.  Hayden has also helped me to further my understanding of gender as well.  He has shown me that his gender, gender identity and gender expression does not fit into two simple boxes.  And he is not alone.  There are so many people out there that are just like Hayden.  But, yet, the world still vastly believes that gender is either male or female.  And parents who have a child that does not fit into one of the two boxes often have to worry about their child’s well-being.  Is it something I did?  What is wrong with my child?  Why isn’t my child “normal”?  When in actuality, their child is just fine.  

I’ve mentioned Dr. Diane Ehrensaft before.  She has two books out there that are absolutely fantastic in explaining gender (Gender Born, Gender Made, and The Gender Creative Child).  I am reading both books simultaneously.  Both books encourage children to be who they are.  To express themselves.  And that gender is more than just male and female. There are also some great books out there for children that explain this as well (It Feels Good To Be Yourself and Who are You?).  Both these books explain that people often get you anatomy confused with gender.  Gender is much more than the body you are born with.  There are many more than just two genders.  Trans, genderqueer, non-binary, gender fluid, cisgender, gender neutral…the list goes on and on.   

I wish I had known this growing up.  I felt so unprepared to help my own son on his journey.  I will admit, at first I thought there might be something wrong because he wasn’t following typical gender norms.  But then, the more I read, the more I realized I was the one going about this all wrong.  He was perfectly normal in how he’s expressing himself.  It’s the two gender boxes we try to fit everyone in that is wrong.  Gender is not our anatomy but part of our identity.  And this identity can grow and change.  So, if this is the case, then why is it still so hard for children who are labeled as gender non-conforming to fit into society?  And how do we, as a society, change this?  I know there has been a lot done in this area, and I am still fairly new to understanding all of this, but I feel like we still have a long way to go.  There is so much I wish I had been taught when I was younger.  And so much learning I still have to do.  I am thankful Hayden was born to me.  There is so much we can both learn from each other.  

I am trying to give my children all the language that goes along with gender.  And in doing so, I am hoping that one day, my children will stop being so concerned if that is a boy or a girl and just understand that it’s a person, expressing who they truly are.  Because we should all be able to live in a world where we can truly feel confident being ourselves.